Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
