She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
