Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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