the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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