I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
