I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
