I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
