Heybabeimwearingurpanties
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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