They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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