i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
