im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
