Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
