If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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