She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
