This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
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