I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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