Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
