This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Randomize