Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
What a fucking waste of an outfit
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Randomize
