just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
one might say we're banned from that church
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
