I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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