i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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