I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
