if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
