She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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