I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
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