I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
What drink are we having for lunch?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
