If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize