Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
