just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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