Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
