Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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