yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
