i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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