You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
