So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
