I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
