I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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