My balls are so social today.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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