I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
