a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
