After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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