Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
