Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
