somebody snuck up and got me drunk
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Sorry my hands just texted you
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
