My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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