I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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