Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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