U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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