No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
