history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Randomize
