i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
