About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
