I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
