there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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