Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
