I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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