He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize