Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
