I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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