I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Randomize
