Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Randomize
