she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
