whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
