p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
